Sexuality invites us to be in the moment, connected to our body, our senses, and to another person. Yet having a “critical inner voice” sounding off in our minds during sex is a little like having an extra person in the room critiquing everything from desirability to performance. These critical inner voices take us out of the experience, remove us from our bodies and leave us disconnected from our partner, robbing us of the precious aspects of sexuality.

It’s probably no surprise to hear that research has shown that having higher self-esteem and a more positive body image is correlated with increased sexual satisfaction. On the other hand, negative thoughts toward ourselves heighten our stress levels, which can decrease sexual satisfaction. One recent study showed that measures of self-esteem, autonomy, and empathy were positively associated with sexual pleasure, while other research has revealed that people with low self-esteem may also perceive their partners in a more negative light. What all this tells us is that our ability to see ourselves and our partner through kind, empathic eyes has a big impact on how much we enjoy sex.

One of the main culprits guiding us into a negative headspace during sex is our critical inner voice. The critical inner voice is a destructive thought process that sabotages our sexual satisfaction. The extent to which we listen to this “voice” correlates with our feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, and shame. It can also lead to self-limiting, or even self-destructive, behavior. While most of us know that the buzzing sound of our self-critical thoughts can be a major buzzkill when it comes to sex, we aren’t always fully aware of how much this voice affects us.

Years ago, when researching for the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, my colleagues and I interviewed individuals and couples about the critical thoughts they experienced around sexuality. We found that many people had critical inner voices about themselves or their partner or about sex in general before, during, and after sex. On the one hand, we found the presence of such thoughts to be expected and relatable. After all, a person’s sexuality is very personal, and it can feel fairly vulnerable to be open to another person. On the other hand, we were struck by the degree of cruelty in the voices people expressed as well as the painful emotions that often accompanied them. https://www.yourdoll.com/

One common way people can be very unkind to themselves and their sexuality is in the critical inner voices they have toward their bodies. Common examples I’ve heard include:

You look terrible naked. It’s humiliating to take off your clothes.
Your breasts are too big (or too small).
Your penis is too small, she will not be satisfied. She’s going to laugh at you.
You look so old. She isn’t attracted to you anymore.
He’s going to see how ugly you really are.
A lot of critical inner voices surface in anticipation of being sexual. Many people have described having thoughts like:

Do you really think he is attracted to you? Why would he be?
You’re going to be so awkward. She’s going to lose interest.
He won’t like you anymore if you sleep with him.
Why are you thinking about sex again? Are you some kind of pervert?
Watch out, he’s probably just using you.
You’re going to embarrass yourself.
She’d rather be with someone else.
You shouldn’t pursue sex. You’ll just be rejected.
It’s gross to want sex.
You won’t know what to do.